What You Wish For

Words that say it all.

2012-02-09T18:56:00.000-06:00

I know it's been a while, but I found this article by one of the Ranger Up guys. (Check them out, what they do is amazing! And I LOVE their shirts!!! I may or may not own a few/have a giant wish list!)

I Have PTSD... So What?

By RU Rob

I have PTSD. We all know what it is, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am one of millions who are affected by it each and every day. Millions of men and women who have varying symptoms yet manage to maintain a normal lifestyle. I, along with my cohorts, have been classified as a potential powder keg just waiting on that spark to set us off into a murderous explosion of ire. This is not the case as I am just as normal as you.

At the end of every day I lay my head down in an attempt to sleep. That in itself is no different than you. But when my eyes close and I should be drifting off into a peaceful bliss, my mind takes over and I am tormented in my dreams with a vivid and exaggerated version of every combat encounter witnessed. There has been nary a night that I do not have this, and have not had an uninterrupted night of sleep for years. Yet in the morning, I rise with the consistency of the sun, roll out of my sweat soaked bed, and shake off the remnants of the nightly battles and start my day…just like you.
I am functional in society, but I am a little more vigilant than you, always on the look-out for danger, avoiding large crowds and loud places. But somehow, I can still manage to go out to eat, shop for my clothes and drive my car. I pay close attention to those around me, see the drug deal that just took place on my right and notice the people who just don’t belong in a certain situation. You may not have evil intentions, but I will notice nonetheless.

I have guns. As a matter of fact I just about always have one on me. You see, even though I have PTSD, I am still a Sheepdog watching out for my flock. I don’t brandish my weapon and most of the time you won’t even know I have it on my body, but it is there. I also carry a large knife in my pocket, one that could cause serious injury or death if used improperly. I have never used any of my weapons in a malicious manner and never will, but in my duties as a Sheepdog I will not hesitate to draw down on you should the circumstance warrant it. I am armed, but I am not dangerous.

There are times that I am medicated. My PTSD comes in cycles and when things get bad I need that extra chemical push to regulate me. I accept this and because of it I do not drink. I have other physical problems that could easily warrant an addiction to pain killers, but just like most of us with PTSD, I avoid it.

I have never committed violence in the workplace, just like the vast majority of those who suffer with me. My co-workers know I spent time in the military but they do not know of my daily struggles, and they won’t. I can still communicate with my subordinates and supervisors in a clear manner. I have never physically assaulted anyone out of anger or rage.

It pains me when I listen to the news and every time a veteran commits a crime (or commits suicide); it is automatically linked to and blamed on PTSD. Yes, there are some who cannot control their actions due to this imbalance in our heads, but don’t put a label on us that we are all incorrigible. Very few of us are bad. There are more of us out there that are trying harder to do good than the lesser alternative.

Do not pity me. I know who I am and recognize the journey that has shaped me into what I am. I have no regrets about anything that I have done in the past and look forward to many wonderful years in the future. I freely take every step of life during the day knowing that there is something that will haunt me at night.

For those who are like me, there is help. Seek it out. You were strong enough to make it this far, don’t give up. Dig a little deeper and make that final push. If you do not know where to go or have fallen astray, contact me. I will help. We are all brothers and sisters in this battle that will rage invariably for eternity and the one constant is that we have each other.

To the rest of society and particularly the media: I have PTSD!

2012-01-13T18:40:00.001-06:00

My New Nephew!!!

2012-01-13T18:34:00.001-06:00

Welcome to the world, Ray!!!

2012-01-03T18:11:00.001-06:00

American Child

2011-12-31T17:36:00.003-06:00

The First Snow!!!!

2011-12-27T06:30:00.001-06:00

Now I just wish it would last more than a few hours....

2011-12-26T17:55:00.000-06:00

I'm going to go ahead and be shameless here, and admit that I'd like to win a giveaway. And not just any giveaway.. THIS giveaway hosted by the New Girl On Post. Love her!!!! And the winnings? A fabulous piece from a website called the Shabby Apple that coincidentally I found a couple weeks ago! Go check it out, you won't be disappointed!!!!!!

A Very Sandy Christmas

2011-12-25T15:41:00.000-06:00

Happy Holidays from the Middle East!!!

{Sorry for the terrible resolution.. the hubby has *promised* some better pics are to come!!!}

2011-12-23T12:47:00.003-06:00

What do you think?

2011-12-22T06:45:00.000-06:00

Little girl's tutu...

The Flowers That Shouldn't Be..

2011-12-20T22:23:00.000-06:00

So my hubby was being quite thoughtful this week! In recognizing the fact that I was spending Christmas alone, he thought he would send me my favorite flowers!!!

The funny part.. is that these are NOT it. :)

No, these are what were waiting for me by my front door when I got home from work. Laying sideways in their little brown box that clearly says "This Side UP".. one flap open. Curious, I pulled them inside and carefully pulled out this mini red rose bush. Now, I have to tell you how much I love my husband and his thoughtfulness. I've never been with someone who put so much thought into me!!! So I was slightly confused and a tiny disappointed that this was his choice to send me.

So I sent him a pic as promised, but didn't mention my confusion. Thankfully, his very first message back answered all my questions; "bah.. they were white roses in the picture online :("

Hurray!!!! He DID order white roses!!!!! so, I ran to the box to see what it said. Sure enough, it said it right there. So knowing there was no way he was going to call from his sandy paradise.. I decided to make the call my self. And I kid you not.. I sat on hold for 45. Freaking. Minutes. I got my laundry folded, the dishes done, and was in the middle of writing them a very angry email when they finally picked up the phone.

I explained to them why he sent the flowers and what he was trying to send, and neither the gentleman helping me nor I could locate the flowers he ordered on the online site. Because apparently they were no longer available. I'm still trying to figure that one out. And then after I explained everything to him, the guy had the nerve to ask me what was wrong with the flowers!!! Here, let me lay it out for you one more time:
A) you sent the wrong flowers.
B) In the wrong color
C) WHY, when I live in the MIDWEST where it is SNOWING, would I want a BUSH that has to be PLANTED OUTSIDE in direct sunlight, when I live in an APARTMENT??!!!

I don't know buddy, if you can't figure that one out, I can't help you.

So what does he do? Offer to resend me the bush in white. Ok buddy.. how about this. How about you refund my husband, and we call it good.
And then I had to chuckle when he told me I could keep the flowers.. I told him I'd TRY not to kill them.
The best part? The love note from my husband!!!

Christmas Present from my Hubby

2011-12-15T21:50:00.001-06:00

Considering an Adventure....

2011-12-14T21:23:00.001-06:00

..... That may reopen my Etsy shop...

THIS is my dream. Someday...

2011-12-10T19:40:00.002-06:00

Source: diynetwork.com via Jessie on Pinterest

2011-12-08T09:00:00.001-06:00

This may be a post of random things.. but bare with me!

This week has been an awful week. Not just your average "overworked, underpaid" sort of week, but the "can I make it if I quit my job?" sort of week. It's to the point where I'm seriously contemplating it. The stress, the environment.. that's never the issue. In fact I handle those things quite well! It's the 'respect for the individual'. Or the lack there-of. I think I find it most frustrating because I'm the type of boss who makes sure the people under me know I care. That I respect their ideas and appreciate their input. I think through all the options, take into account the entire situation, and explain my decisions when needed. I'm not better than they are and never will be. I just have more responsibilities. So when people over me do just the opposite.. I just morally can't handle it. Is that terrible?

I mailed a Christmas box and a card to my hubby at the same time well over a week ago.. and the card showed up last weekend. The box? MIA. I'm terribly upset! :( I'm praying it just took a different route and isn't confiscated or lost..

I haven't really slept in over 3 days. The insomnia has returned! :(

It snowed on my way to work!! OK, so it was flurries. But it means winter is here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PS.. 17 Days 'till Christmas!!! Are YOU ready?!

My apartment.. It's Home and That's Sacred To Me.

2011-12-02T20:07:00.001-06:00

I apologize, but I need to do a little bit of a rant.

So I have this friend.. well let me rephrase that. It's the wife of one my husband's friends with whom he served his mission for our church with. They just so happen to have recently been married this summer and live where we are stationed. Really young, really sweet couple. But they're also the kind of couple that just don't get it. Like they can't fathom why we are passing out at 8:30 at night. {Uh... how many times do we have to remind you that we get up at 4:30am? And that we LIKE our consistent schedule?} Or when they stop over to pick something up.. and don't leave for a few hours.. and we are a little irritated. Or why I like to sit alone at church. {You sit with your families. I like to sit with my husband. And when he is not present, I'm going to preserve that.} The list is lengthy.

Lately, they have taken it upon themselves to show up at my apartment after 7:30 {uninvited} just banging on the door. {My husband is gone and there is NO WAY I'm opening the door up after dark! Never have, never will!!!} They know I don't hang out during the week. They know I'm busy on the weekends and I don't like entertaining by myself. I've made it 26 years in my life without many close friends and it is impossible for me to understand why someone would demand to be so much in my personal space!! I feel so violated! I understand they want to look out for me, but I don't need them being all up in my business! BACK OFF!!!! My insecurities and needs are NOT the same as yours!!! I bear my own burdens. I don't need a shoulder to cry on. I don't need people to fill the void of my husband. I am a busy person, and I am NEVER bored. There are always 5,972 things I want to get done on the weekend that I never get to. We have very little in common. Very little to talk about. No friends in common other than our husbands. You're both in college and we both have careers. You're both close to your families, we are not so much. We moved close to you so that we could do stuff together as couples. But when I'm alone, I cherish the peace and solitude- my {dream} mountain cabin calls to me for a reason.
It's like my apartment.. it's home and that's sacred to me. It's decorated so beautifully for Christmas, I just love it! And I want to be left alone to enjoy it. I don't get to do that during the week. The same with being outdoors. I look for errands to do on the weekends so I can enjoy the sunshine and the weather {whatever it may be.}

I'm not ignoring you. {Stop telling your parents I am, I don't need Facebook messages from them telling me to get it in gear.} I'm not purposely hurting you. You can't expect me to act like someone I've never been, just because that's the best friend you want.

So maybe I'm quiet and shy. Maybe I'm not as free with my schedule as you are. Maybe I'm old, crusty, and set in my ways a bit. But you know what? I'm happy with it. My life is not perfect, nor will it ever be. But I love it. And to me, that's all that matters.

Peace of Mind for Standing Alone

2011-12-02T16:27:00.002-06:00

Snowman and peppermint marshmallows in my hot chocolate? I vote YES!

2011-12-01T18:05:00.001-06:00

Why Is Day Two Always Worse??!!!

2011-11-30T09:07:00.000-06:00

As with most things in life, Day 2 is always worse than Day 1. Ouch!!! And I've discovered a few things:

What happened to all those push-ups I used to be able to pump out?!! I'm ashamed of myself!!!
I've maintained my lower body strength, but my upper body sucks. In my defense, last year I had spent the summer loading potting soil and mulch. Not quite the same action this summer.
I need heavier weights. These will be fine for a month as far as minimal strength, but after that I need to move up if I want to make any serious changes.

On a random side note.. I've discovered at FABULOUS body wash/bar soap:

Oil of Olay Vanilla Winter Retreat!

Let me mention that I've got SUPER sensitive skin. So far the soaps I can use have been limited to Dove sensitive skin {I swear by it} and the Cetaphil brand. But the scent of this was just drawing me in.. and I checked with someone I know who has skin as sensitive as mine and she actually uses it. So day one.. So far so good! And the scent is to die for!!! Try it out!!!! {or at least stand awkwardly in the body wash aisle sniffing the bottles!!!

3 more days to Friday, people! (And last day of November!!!!)

The results..

2011-11-29T08:17:00.000-06:00

Well the Wii Fit results are in!!! And my Wii fit age is............

26!!!!

I had to laugh, because I think the last time I did the test I was 10 years older! The weight was right were I thought it would be, but it's obvious I have some toning up to do. Jillian Michaels kicked my butt (I should never have expected any less) But I made it though the workout without panting. (Also a VAST improvement from the last time I tried to get back into this workout madness!) Did some yoga to finish with, and my legs feel like jello! SO.. guess we'll see what tonight brings!

Trying to get back on track: Fitness

2011-11-28T09:16:00.001-06:00

It was a very low-key weekend, something I am finding really helps me get through the following week. I didn't get done all the things I had planned for myself, but I moved at my own pace. And in my defense, it was a long list!

~~Dishes~~
~~laundry~~
~~Pack up fall decorations~~
~~Organize storage unit~~ (turned out to be worse than I thought!)
~~Put up the Christmas tree!~~
Clean out Hubby's car
Scrub the Kitchen (mostly done)
~~Score some picture frames with Black Friday deals~~
~~Take myself out to breakfast~~
~~Grocery shopping~~
~~Get together Christmas Care Package~~

Ok, so according to that list, I got most of it done. Of course I know I'm missing things, but who's counting? :)

Next up on my things to work on during this deployment: fitness.
Ugh.. I hate that word. While I'm finally consistently in a healthy weight range, fitness and I do not get along. I love it when I am through working out ( I love that high!!!) but the getting motivated to work out when I've been off for a while is killer! So aside from yoga, working out has not been high on my priority list. Until now. The Hubs kind of put me to shame today when he told me how often he had been going to the gym. And I of course thought back to his request.. of wanted to do a long-distance run together. Anyone who knows me in person is probably laughing right now, I've got terrible knees and I've been a terrible runner my whole life. BUT, I have to be honest. It's a tiny bit of motivation right now. I was observing the real estate in my skinny jeans the other day, and while I'm mostly happy with my weight, the distribution has gone awry. And don't you know, it's "location, location, location!!!"
SO. Starting tonight, I have a plan. I'm going to dust off the Wii Fit and observe the weight situation. And then to rebuild the endurance, I may bust out Jillian Michaels' "30 Day Shred" again. And then- the dreaded gym. I'm not sure how it's going to work out, I'll have to go after work every day. And lucky me, it'll be the busiest time of the day when there are NEVER enough treadmills. We'll see how it goes. wish me luck!!!!

The only thing missing is my Love!!!

2011-11-27T17:24:00.001-06:00

The Tree Is Up!!!!!

2011-11-26T20:14:00.001-06:00

Enlistment Refelctions

2011-11-26T08:00:00.004-06:00

I was kind of reflecting this evening.. wondering where my life would be had I gone ahead and enlisted in the Air Force last fall/winter.

Part of my heart still longs to wear that uniform and serve my country.. Get those boots dirty and protect my brothers and sisters. To stand for something, join the forces. Would I be more satisfied with my life? Would it really fulfill an achy hole in my heart?
I love being a military spouse and I thought that being a wife would be enough to quench that thirst. Instead, I really am just another forgotten unit enlisted wife. Maybe as an officer's wife, I could be involved. Be informed. Be apart of the family. One of the few, the proud {NOT the Marines..}, the backbone of the forces. Of course then I start to think.. well since a family is not a scenario in the near future.. maybe I could still join the Air Guard? {unlikely since I'm pretty sure they are still over-staffed} Maybe that much of my time would still give me a sense of purpose? Of belonging?
I feel lost. Without a sense of direction. The goals and desires are there but the pathway is gone.

I feel so lost.

And So It Begins...

2011-11-24T18:18:00.001-06:00

2011-11-24T09:00:00.000-06:00

It's weird.. in the 8 years I have been away from home, this is the very first Thanksgiving where I have not been invited to share a single Thanksgiving meal. Not by a single person.. family or not. I'm not going to my parent's home due to the fact that I have to work most of the day Thanksgiving, as well as the day after.. and as such I am left to fend for myself. SO.. to compensate I made myself my own pie!!!

Looks delish, right?!!! I can't WAIT to pile an absurd amount of Cool Whip on it and dig in!!!
Well, as is traditional for the Thanksgiving holiday, I'd like to go ahead and share my "Thankful List". So here she be....
I'm thankful for:

My job. It sucks something terrible to have to work the holidays, but it's full time and a consistent schedule. I'm at least able to pay my bills right now.
Having food on my table, and the skills to make a lot of things homemade.
For the men and women serving our country in the armed forces.
And in addition, for my husband and brother (soon to be another brother and my dad as well) serving overseas and for their current safety.
For the laughter and joy that my husband has brought into my life. It's been a long road to get where I am, and I'm so grateful he puts up with me even when I have bad days. I don't feel like a deserve him.
As much as I hate it, I'm thankful for technology. I never thought I would be able to Skype, email, text, play games with, and swap pictures with someone who was 7,500 miles away!
The changing seasons. I love the ever-growing show of life!
You'll very seldom see me speak or right about this because I find it so personal, but I'm thankful for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I spent far too long away from church and religion, but I've come to appreciate it that much more.
Snow. It gives me something to look forward to every year!!!!
I'm thankful for my ability to recognize on a daily basis all the things I am grateful for. I truly am blessed in this life, especially recently. The last year has marked progress far beyond my imagination. This list really should be pages and pages long, but I don't have the time nor to I want to push anyone into reading it. I hope you're all having a wonderful holiday!

I LOVE when "wake up and go" turns out fabulous!!!

2011-11-22T18:09:00.001-06:00

Christmas present ideas... ;)

2011-11-21T11:48:00.000-06:00

Provo Craft® Cricut® Peppermint Expression Cutting Machine : machines : die cut machines & accessories : scrapbooking : Shop | Joann.com

Thank You, USO!!!

2011-11-21T09:41:00.000-06:00

The USO donated a Thanksgiving meal to me, and the was the adorable card I the basket!! I'm so blessed!!!!

Thanksgiving Dinner- Chow Hall Style

2011-11-19T09:00:00.002-06:00

I was pretty proud of myself, tonight was the first night I broke out of the house for a deployed spouses event! Of course, it was horribly awkward, but I'm glad I went. This month's event: Thanksgiving Dinner of course! Most of the events are for families, which is where the awkwardness comes in.. I was the only wife there without munchkins. But all the volunteers were wonderful, several of them sat down and talked with me so I wouldn't have to eat alone. The Group Commander actually came and sat down with me for a long time.. I guess word got around that I was the only single spouse in the group. I suppose it's nice to feel like someone notices me in the Air Force.. I was starting to feel lost in the system! Of course I know this doesn't guarantee I exist, but I'm holding on to my glimmer of hope!! I also found out that there are only a handful of Airmen deployed in the whole group, and I am by far the lowest ranking one. I shouldn't be surprised, we are on a base full of officers. The running joke is that you can't spit without hitting 23 Lieutenants, 15 Captains, 12 Majors, 8 Colonels, and at least 3 Generals. Let's just say that parking at the Commissary sucks with all those special parking signs.

In other news, my boss continues to hate the military. I have to work my regular Monday through Friday schedule, {yes, that includes Thanksgiving day.. the whole day..} THEN, I had a Saturday shift tacked on. Because I apparently don't have a life? I don't know what the deal is. Yes, I understand I work retail management. But I most certainly don't get paid like a manager. And {most recently} nor do I get treated like I'm as old as I am, and that I have the degree that I do. Power trip? God complex? Competition? I'm not sure what the deal is, but I deserve better than this. Right now I feel like I'm wasting my talent with merchandising and management skills.

Sorry for the rant, but it needed to be said. Hope you all are enjoying your weekend, if you're traveling, be safe!!

It may only be Wed, but it's been a long week...

2011-11-16T18:22:00.000-06:00

Getting my stitch on..

2011-11-13T20:26:00.000-06:00

Awkward Sundays

2011-11-07T09:00:00.000-06:00

Kindle and a bubble bath.. what a wonderful way to end my Sunday!!!

Apparently church has been my most awkward tackle yet. It was noisy, and full of babies, officers, and their wives {and armfuls of children who are either following their parents like perfect little ducklings or are running about like mad men who are still devouring their Halloween candy.} I gave a talk once on something to do with friendship, and pointed out the difference between being friendly, and developing friendships. I have been in very few congregations where the friendship was wholehearted and sincere, and I have a sneaky suspicion that this one isn't either. I mean, I have to hand it to them, they are by far the most friendly unit I've ever encountered, and most of them at least remember my name after a month. However, that doesn't stop the awkwardness of people prying into your life when you can see right through their glassy smiles.

The phrase I have come to hate most so far is "Wow, what you're going through must be tough! I can't imagine what it would be like if MY husband deployed!"
Really people? After a while, I just don't even know how to answer. Smile? Nod? Change the subject? And of course they always ask the same questions. "How is he?" I don't know, sandy? I barley get to talk to him. " Do you get to talk to him?" What did I just tell you? Seriously, people.

But alas, what can you do. I'm hoping things change after a while, but I'm not putting money on the awkwardness going away until the hubby comes back.

2011-11-06T17:10:00.002-06:00

Finally finished my fall wreath!!!

Finally Friday!!!

2011-11-04T21:51:00.000-05:00

Lots of things on my mind tonight.
10 days of deployment down. It's been an extremely long week- with being sick, the return of insomnia, getting caught up on household chores {you KNOW you let those slide a bit right before your hubby leaves..}, the emotional ups and downs, and dealing with a new supervisor at work who A) can't even do my job, and B) doesn't give two craps that my husband is overseas. In fact, I almost thought I was going to have to call in sick because she wouldn't ok the time off for me to take him to the airport. She just didn't see why it was so important to me. Really??!!! I mean, you know there are always going to be those people out there. But I guess I never expected it to happen with someone I have to work directly under. Talk about frustrating.

In other news, I'm thinking I want to re-vamp my blog, but I'm not quite sure how yet. Suggestions?

Since I work in retail, we're already into our holiday transition. Normally, I'm ecstatic to be apart of the festivities! This year however, I find myself acting a bit odd. The more I think about it, the more sad I get. I've spent more than one winter holiday alone, so I'm not quite sure why this year. I got an email from the Airmen Family Readiness Center the other day inviting me to a Thanksgiving dinner on base the Friday before Thanksgiving. I'm thinking about taking them up on the offer, although I have my reservations. At the pre deployment briefing, I was the only spouse there that was not military, and not a mother. In fact, I am also the only spouse in my husband's unit who is not military. {talk about feeling like a loner..} So I am concerned that this Thanksgiving Dinner will be more of the same.. wives and children. And as usual, I'll be sitting awkwardly in the back.

I'm not quite sure if this is a type of situation where the unit kind of forgets about the one wife because her husband is the only one deployed? I mean, I'm not looking for sympathy by any means, it's just nice to know that they're there if I need them. Right? Or am I being a little crazy? I guess I just feel like your unit should be part of your family. Especially if you're alone for the holidays. Maybe I am just crazy, and that's not how this is going to work.

*sigh*

Still trying to figure this whole Air Force thing out. The AFRC would be so helpful.. if I had munchkins. Not so much for the mid-upper 20's childless transplanted wife.

Sorry if this sounded a bit like a pity party. I promise it's not! :)

2011-11-04T20:07:00.001-05:00

Mmm mmm mmmmmmm!!!! Banana bread!!!